oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
