He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
