Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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