i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
