I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
