I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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