I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
