I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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