u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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