I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
