and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
