Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
