A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
