god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
