I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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