i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
