Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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