there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
