I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
