shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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