What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
