So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
