I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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