I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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