don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
