dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
