R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize