proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize