i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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