I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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