yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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