I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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