It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
