just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
