Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
