the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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