Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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