Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
