From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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