I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just pee around me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize