I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
