I wish my penis had an off switch
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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