I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
