I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
