so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
false alarm. still invincible.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
