My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
