I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
