which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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