I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
