she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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