Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
