Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
