first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
