Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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