Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
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