you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
