I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
