Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
