if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
