They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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