Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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