My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
