i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
