so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
