I will die if light touches me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize