When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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