I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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