allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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